owl eyes

i feel really on edge and scared and i don't know why. boooo. night fucks me up.

doesn't look a thing like she does

i swear i just can't be left on my own. i feel so lonely! and i've only been on my own for like 5 hours or so, absolutely insane. i genuinely can't function without social interaction from my friends/boyfriend these days. i never planned on being this co-dependant. i wanted to be a cat but apparently not.

i sometimes feel really guilty that i've ditched my old friends for you. but they're not here anymore and you are. and maybe they won't be and maybe you won't be but in the right here and now YOU ARE HERE. it's just making it difficult for me to just be FRIENDS, I LOVE YOU, PLEASE KNOW THAT when i feel like a traitor. but i do love you and i am harmless i think so it's good.

to tell you the truth, i want to stay and leave at the same time.

goodbye.

x.

"it won't solve the problem."
I HEAR THAT.

i feel quite sad. i miss joey and josh and laurenne and caitlin and everyoneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i miss days. quite forward to being back in college though sort of maybe how is this going to work out i wish i was Blindfold.

"i can see that you're not beside me."

i miss thursday. cider and sunshine and picnics on the common and frisbee and friends and i miss swimming in the sea because it was cold and the cold felt good with my friends.

i do not miss making plans that will never happen. i am already starting to miss everyone and i haven't left yet. i don't know if i will leave.
i sort of hope so but i sort of hope not.
i don't knowwww.

words from a drunk friend.

"i love my friends. some of them maybe a bit too much at times, but that is ok. i mean no harm and i do no harm. i am harmless, you all know that.

i don't like myself very much. but sometimes it seems like maybe some other people do a bit, so that's ok. i am ok."

i don't know. it speaks to me. i feel dreadful. bad nap + bad job + bad food = bad lukey.

frank.

i'm in a really FOUL mood. people showing me sympathy or friendly comfort isn't helping because it's making me sadder. BOOOOOO.
i am so glad i'm such an optimistic person.

oiwhat.

i am not looking forward to this weekend. 9-5 saturday & sunday and then no idea when i'm going back to see my friends or joey. bad times. might be worth starting to look for a new job soon.

i've come back home and i'm starting to resent it already. maybe it's not the home that's the problem, maybe i am just sososososo sick of living under the thumb of people. i need my own place.

had a pretty fantastic fucking week. aside from the obvious downs of dramararara (which thankfully are over now, as far as i know!) it was amazing. it felt like a goodbye though. i love my friends.

i feel a bit sad and lonely and very, very displaced. hopeful? maybe. but not really happy. sort of MELANCHOLY. ah well.
life goes on and all that jazz.



p.s i saw over 6 people today in Tesco with full or half tattoo sleeves. feels like a sign.

fled like phantoms

i was in bed with joey last night trying to get to sleep and i sort of dozed off and then i woke up behind my eyelids and realised i couldn't move. i could breathe but that's it. it was one of the most horrific experiences of my life, i felt like a corpse. i tried to move or kick out or say something but i could only breathe. it took me a few minutes but i managed to breathe in really deeply and then i could move. fucking disturbing. and before that it felt like something has rubbed something on my brain because my head really hurt. and before THAT, joey said 'did you say something?' and i said 'no' and he said 'oh because i heard someone whisper something. freaky.'

ghosts.

i am gales

i'm trying my best not to be really emo right now but it's not going so well. apologies in advance. i don't know. i just feel reallyyyyyyyy conflicted about everything. mostly exams and summer and LIFE. i am sosoososososososo scared that i am not going to get the grades i need. i have been working but i don't know if that's enough. my track record with getting grades i need has not been going too well so far. i rely a lot on intuition too and a part of me can clearly see myself passing and getting into uni and have everything fall into place but then again i can see myself failing and hating myself forever.
great. okay. emoness aside. apart from this: i really don't think anyone understands how worried/pressured/scared i am about it! i know right, how original, ~nobody understands me~. w/e. OKAY ENOUGH OF THAT. this house makes me feel like utter shit. there's SUCH bad energy here it is insanely difficult to live in.

in other news i made a pair of shorts today in an effort to stop myself from having a panic attack and it worked! i want new clothes. i want i want i want.
i want a fucking hug! i want to stop being such a moody bastard harhar. seeing josh&caitlin's pictures of europe = me wanting to go france/germany this summer. that better happen.
it would be nice. i miss kate and anisa sosososososoosSO bad. i want to be able to connect with people but i feel like something is holding me back.
i feel like i'm 15 again. not good.

tradition:

p-p-p-p-p

i just feel so boring and useless and dumb. my hair is a mess and i miss joey. one day i am going to surround myself in people i love and that love me where i won't be under the thumb in whatever living situation i'm in. so sick of being in between homes (and) living with parental units. it makes me so grouchy and unsociable. i am going to live in a place where i can cover the walls in pictures of 50s movie stars and models and films i love and pictures that just SPEAK to me y'know? i would love to cover my body in tattoos. i would love my skin to be a canvas. i think i might start planning a sleeve. i should start getting ready for the dreaded commute. bye.

congratulations, i see they're giving out medals for evil.

fucking integrated twitter! i rule. now i can spam the fuck out of it and feel really cool. i have nothing of merit to say, weirdly. i might make a new blog so i can spam pictures and words of things that inspire me. like an online scrapbook.

it is sunny and that is good. life is strange but good. i am trying.

i wish i was rich and famous. i love to learn. i've been reading about the LA Riots and people are the worst thing that has happened to this world.

the number is twelve.

O o
/¯________________ ___________/
| I'MMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER
\_¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯\

go back to the start.

story of my fucking life.

i feel conflicted.


in other news: holy fucking shit what the fucking fuck. (not photoshopped.) ewww.

10th post

fuck.

i still do not own the gunslinger comics. why is this?

i feel tired and defeated, for the latter.. i don't know why. annoyed with myself i suppose but i almost always am so i'm sure i'll learn to live with it if i haven't already. worst run on sentence ever. i feel like i've opened up too much recently, which i guess isn't a bad thing but it makes me anxious and like all the air goes out of my chest and into the atmosphere and away forever. i have work tomorrow and i don't mind (yet) because i guess i really really need the money. exams are making me want to pull my hair out and cry. i want to go to uni but i don't want to go. i think i love my friends. i hate being a mixture of totally co-dependant but struggling for independance. it's frustrating. i don't know. i don't know. i wish i had my potentional realised.

+ resident evil with adam.
+ red hair plans.
+ joey and the note.
+ cinema/geek night with josh? caitlin/laurenne girls' night? chloe's meal?
+ getting paid soon.
+ possibly maybe not dying.
+ confidence rising? strange.
+ being slightly more comfortable in my skin.
+ i have a job, i'm probably healthy, i have a boyfriend who i adore and a great set of friends who i am crazy about. some things don't deserve the thought you put into them. so no, i am not going to put a negatives list. exams suck. work sucks. shocking. but these things happen and i'll get over them, one way or another. i will cope. i always do.

and because i don't want to break my persona. i'm actually not in a great mood at the moment
but i will cope.
(:

Dost thou love life?
Then do not squander time,
for that is the stuff life is made of.

beautiful and delicate

fuck work

i just want a new fucking computer. fml.

i feel

pepper.

none of you will understand my last post which is fine. none of you read good literature though so it's not surprising. :D i'm joking.
OR AM I.
i tweaked the colours and such. i want a really nice happy layout but i'm too lazy to find co-ordinating colours. i want to try and get back into web design in the summer but not sure if i have the skill / motivation to try. poor eve. i want a lot of things, why don't i go after them?

i think i got that dumb job at the garden centre haha. it looks lame (gonna be working in a cafe again which i hate) and the pay isn't great and they want me to remove my lip piercing but at the end of the day, there's no denying the cost of living. and i really need some fucking money. and i have to wear a cap. boo.

i miss joey already. i miss my friends too (that sometimes i don't feel like are my skjdgs). i swear to god i need social interaction from these people to function (realtively) sanely. it's weird.

maybe i should sleep soon. sometimes i just never want to sleep. it seems like such a waste of time.

There they stood, ranged along the hill-sides, met
To view the last of me, a living frame
For one more picture! in a sheet of flame
I saw them and I knew them all. And yet
Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set,
And blew. ``Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.''

My Understanding of Truth By Jake Chambers.

"I will show you fear in a handful of dust."
T.S 'Butch' Eliot.

"My first thought was, he lied in every word."
Robert 'Sundance' Browning.

The gunslinger is the truth.
Roland is the truth.
The Prisoner is the truth.
The Lady of Shadows is the truth.
The Prisoner and the Lady are married. That is the truth.
The way station is the truth.
The speaking demon is the truth.
We went under the mountains and that is the truth.
There were monsters under the mountain. That is the truth.
One of them had an Amoco gas pump between his legs and was pretending
it was his penis. That is the truth.
Roland let me die. That is the truth.
I still love him.
That is the truth.

What is a door not a door? When it's a jar, and that is the truth.
Blaine is the truth.
Blaine is the truth.
What has four wheels a flies? A garbage truck and that is the truth.
Blaine is the truth.
You have to watch Blaine all the time, Blaine is a pain and
that is the truth.
I'm pretty sure that Blaine is dangerous, and that is the truth.
What is black and white and red all over? A blushing zebra and that is
the truth.
Blaine is the truth.
I want to go back and that is the truth.
I want to go back and that is the truth.
I'll go crazy if I don't go back and that is the truth.
I can't go home again unless I find a stone a rose a door and that
is the truth.
Choo-choo, and that is the truth.
Choo-choo. Choo-choo.
Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo.
Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo.
I am afraid. That is the truth.
Choo-choo.

gonna be okay.

i'm starting to get really, really worried about the summer. how will i see people? obviously i'm going to be on the isle of wight from like.. end of mayish. i'm scared about how i'm going to see friends and joey and stuff. this plus exam stress + uni stress + general life stress = i feel like my head is going to explode warm gooey paste on everybody. FML!

i want to get well and truly smashed. totally wasted out of my face not-throwing-up-quite-yet clingy needy and sexually charged completely floored and out of my fucking tree. i don't know why. just completely trashed.

"You're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm, I'm pretty troubled and I'm, I'm pretty confused. But I... and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid."

i feel abstract, at a loss perhaps but i am doing the best i can. i suppose, really, everything is okay. i have a job interview tomorrow. i hope i get it. a lot is actually riding on it. would it be so much to ask for a job that a) pays okay b) is semi-enjoyable and c) i actually get? i'm thinking yes, probably.

i want enchiladas and last weekend back. i want to be in the balti house maybe. i want kate and anisa and my old life back but at the same time i am thrilled with the people i am finding now. my name is luke and i don't know what i want. or do i?

this entry is really cryptic, isn't it?

i want to meet james dean. what a specimen.

and hey look.
you know what i REALLY want? a goddamn feast.

edward hopper.

night hawks.
"i wonder what they're thinking about.."
"probably themselves."
"i don't know. maybe someone else. something else."

i forgot how obsessive having a new blog is harhar. nobody's going to read this so it's for my own piece of mind really. or.. the opposite. i've been sitting here for the past.. two hours or so and just been really working myself up into a panic. i hate that i do this but i can't help it. i'm now panicking like hale and i can't really breathe properly and everything is making me feel worse. booo. every time i try to do something to calm me down i realise i'm not working and then start to panic even more. which is fucking stupid because writing this isn't doing work either and urgh. i feel so tired but i don't want to sleep. i don't think i would sleep anyway even if i tried so aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. i love how blogs really bring out the worst feelings in you harhar! okay so i'm going to sit here until college tomorrow and stew. i might try and wake up at 5/6am just to see if i can. peace.

p.s i will not always be this emo.
p.p.s if you believe that you'll believe anything.
p.p.s i am really optimistic usually.
p.p.p.s haha told you so.
p.p.p.p.s i swear to fucking god, blogspot picture uploader makes me want to die.

send me on my way.

I would like to reach out my hand
I may see you, I may tell you to run
You know what they say about the young
Well pick me up with golden hands
Oh may see you, Oh may tell you to run
You know what they say about the young

aw i love this song so much man. it's like happiness PERSONIFIED. holla to my childhood film Matilda. yeahh. okay so i totally flopped and made a blog here. i mean, i already have one like but i figured i needed a ~medium~ to comment on you guyseses blog so here we are! i'll use this one to rant about stuff you're allowed to see and my livejournal to rant about you and you won't know about it. :D
jokes. jokes. .. sort of. but yeah hi guys i hope you're all well or whatever. everyone seems down lately but i guess that's just the way it goes. .. to be fair before this song came on my shuffle i was pretty ~~depressed~~ too. it's the little things that cheer you up. my whole living situation (both in portsmouth and on the iow) are making me want to claw myself into ribbons but i'm trying to look past it. .. and then there's the exams JKSDHGKSDHkjhakhKGHSKDghskghsdkJHKG. aaaa. life is scary innit.

so yeah this was pretty useless. YOU KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING ME THOUGH. i don't like how i don't seem to have a personality or not one that i like or anything. i just looked at some blog i posted on myspace 2 years ago and i'm feeling the same way. i think it's having a new group of friends or whatever. fucks me up. i sort of feel like i can't totally CONNECT or something, y'know? i hate being the new person and trying to break in. hm hm hm.

OKAY this was a lot of bollocks so i'll love you and leave you.

p.s fuck adam. i've had the Toxic/Faint remix in my head for the past 3 days.

p.p.s and because he is a needy mcgee; i have met a lovely boy that i likelikelike lotslotslots and we are going to jump on the trampoline and eat fajitas and go for walks this weekend. but that is much too happy a sentiment to put on this blog.

Well I would like to hold my little, hand
I will run I will. I will cry I will.
I would like to hold my little, hand.
I will run I will. I will cry.